Day 38.

     Okay, I did it. I sent the email to Lily and I’m not sure whether I feel better or worse. I mean, on the one hand, I can breathe a sigh of relief. I can tell myself: I was actually able to send her an email. Now it’s out there, it’s in her hands, and all I can do is wait. Forever, maybe. But at least the ball’s no longer in my court. That feels good, somehow.
     On the other hand, it’s kind of terrifying. I messed things up so badly between us, and it took me forever to see my responsibility in that. Lily’s well aware of both those facts. So there are moments where I realize how awful I really was, and I know in those moments that there’s absolutely no chance she’ll respond well to the email, no matter how loving it was. No chance at all. Because whatever I do now, my previous actions are going to cast a lengthy, maybe even unending, shadow over my current ones. Which is fair, really. Still depressing, but fair. At least I’ll know I tried to get in touch with her. That’s definitely something.
     In other news, I have officially started sifting through recent emails from potential clients. As long as the person or persons interested in retaining my services don’t mind doing business via email only, I should be back to work shortly.