Day 124.

     Okay, the testing’s over and done with, finally. It looks like everything’s back to normal for me, or whatever I can approximate as such now.
     It’s funny. Once you get the cure, and see the world right-side up again, things look different. Not better or worse, really, but substantially different than they had previously. I wish Anna was still here, of course. It’s strange and painful to think about what happened, there. At the same time, though, I really was losing it. I look back at the old posts I made here and I realize I was in a bad place then, dragged into chilly waters. It’s been a weird few months, for myself and for—well, the doctor thinks it’s unhealthy for me to talk about those who shouldn’t be anything to me anymore. Who never really were. When I close my eyes they seem so much like they’re still here.
     One thing I expect people to ask is whether conflict was manufactured, given everything the doctors have found out. The answer is of course not.
     I’m so tired. I’ll write more later. For now, I really should rest up.

Day 101.

     I asked Anna, and she’s not feeling quite ready to write yet. Watch her space, though. I’m sure she’ll put something up there soon enough. I think it’ll be helpful for people to see how much she’s changed in the face of everything that’s happened. It might make some of you realize how universal your recent experiences were. We’re not all so different, you know? I think the virus has made a lot of people realize that, at least post-treatment.
     The testing went well yesterday. When I volunteered, I didn’t think—I wasn’t sure whether I was really comfortable being a guinea pig for these people. The “clean room,” the bouts of lost time, the staring at the wall, these factors were extremely uncomfortable for me, at first. I felt like, look, I finally kicked this thing and all I want to do is get out of this place and never set foot in a hospital again, but that’s not really the way it goes. Even if I hadn’t agreed, I’d surely have been marched in for follow-up tests, so, may as well do something meaningful with my time there. That’s how I’m trying to look at it. If this testing—or this blog—can help people, then it’s worth my time and energy. More later. Dinnertime.

Day 100.

     Okay, I suppose I should start at the beginning. I’d hoped to write this a few days ago, but the treatment trials have been taking up a lot of my time. It’s not painful or uncomfortable, really, being in the lab. It’s just very, very boring. Much of it has me staring at a white screen, looking ahead, and trying to stay awake. Usually I can see shapes in the whiteness, sort of like the light fragments you can see when your eyes are closed. I find that calming for some reason. It’s one of those things you only really appreciate when you’ve lost it, and you think, okay, it’s done; I’m not going to get to experience that ever again. Then, one day, they discover a cure and suddenly you have a working set of eyes again and you can open and close them to your heart’s content. I’m being a little metaphorical, maybe, but I think it’s apt, here. Now that I have something resembling my life back, I do think I appreciate it more than I did before. I want to, at least.
     When I last posted, the outbreak hadn’t occurred yet in any real way. Obviously, things have changed. Some of you may be reading this in your post-treatment psyche exams, even. I’ve heard about that happening a couple of times. I’m honored, of course. The first thing you’ll notice when you get out—the first thing I noticed, really—is your sense of smell returning, fuller than before. When I was in Venice, soon after treatment, the intense salty smell of the ocean washed over me. I remember that so vividly. Anyway, I’m going to be late for today’s testing. More later. Maybe Anna will write something up on her experiences, soon.

Day 94.

     Okay, I’m back, and it’s been a while, but I think—I think I’m doing okay. I know it looks like I’ve been gone a little while, but to me, it’s hard to believe it’s only been about a month and a half. I think this blog turned out to be invaluable in terms of, well, helping me make it through this time, even if for quite a while there I was feeling like everything was raining glass on me. I don’t know. I’m okay with things right now, I guess. It’s like, the idea of the blog kept me going. In Venice, I had this like, revelatory moment where the sand was caked between my toes and I could just feel it there so, so clearly, each granule stacked on another and pressing into my feet. That was a good day. I think I’ve been feeling good since.
     Anyway, it feels good to type again. I wanted to get this all up yesterday but—as self-obsessed as you might think I am—what I really wanted to do was spend some time just zoning out and surfing the web. My fingers dancing on the keyboard, the cool air skating across my face…I never knew how much I missed this. You know, she thought I might not have felt ready to come back here yet, to this blog, but I’m glad I did. I’ll continue this later, though. I think I’m going to give her a call.

Day 92

Okay. I think it’s safe to come out now.

Day 44.

     Sorry for the delay in updates. I wanted to take a few days after the last post and just kind of—think about it. I did a lot of just sitting around and trying to figure out where this Anna person is coming from, why she’s attacking my reputation, etc. See, this is the first time anyone’s really come at me like this since my condition came about, and my instincts in handling it were pretty unlike me.
     See, I’ve always considered myself a pretty calm and reasoned person, but I haven’t really been in any kind of conflict (except self-conflict, of course) since I found myself in my current situation. So while I was previously a very relaxed, non-combatative-type, I found myself just freaking out when I read the post by Anna. This was an attack on my character! I was outraged. Just looking at that word now, though, “outraged”–it seems so angry, so alien, so foreign to me. So unlike me. I’m not an angry person. I’m Chad. I keep my cool, no problem. So this turn of events worries me a little, honestly. Is this just part of my condition? I mean, has being cooped up in here put me a little on edge? Or is this something neurological, based on my current situation?

Day 39.

http://annakellogg.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/chad-jacobs/

     I just saw this and I’m so appalled. I don’t even know how to respond. I’ll write something more detailed later, for now I just want to link to this and put it out there that this Anna Kellogg is completely full of it. I mean, do I go on her blog and call her life and personal struggles a lie? No, I do not. I don’t remember ever invalidating or delegitimizing her life.
     I don’t know how to react to this, really. Today was actually a pretty good day until I saw this. I think I’m just going to go lie down.

Day 38.

     Okay, I did it. I sent the email to Lily and I’m not sure whether I feel better or worse. I mean, on the one hand, I can breathe a sigh of relief. I can tell myself: I was actually able to send her an email. Now it’s out there, it’s in her hands, and all I can do is wait. Forever, maybe. But at least the ball’s no longer in my court. That feels good, somehow.
     On the other hand, it’s kind of terrifying. I messed things up so badly between us, and it took me forever to see my responsibility in that. Lily’s well aware of both those facts. So there are moments where I realize how awful I really was, and I know in those moments that there’s absolutely no chance she’ll respond well to the email, no matter how loving it was. No chance at all. Because whatever I do now, my previous actions are going to cast a lengthy, maybe even unending, shadow over my current ones. Which is fair, really. Still depressing, but fair. At least I’ll know I tried to get in touch with her. That’s definitely something.
     In other news, I have officially started sifting through recent emails from potential clients. As long as the person or persons interested in retaining my services don’t mind doing business via email only, I should be back to work shortly.

Day 37.

Today seems like a good day for some more reader mail.

jerrybsleepy22 writes,

“Bro, if I was u i’d call a psychiatrist immediately. U obliviously is crzy son. u dig, homie?”

Jerry, thanks for the advice. I’m not a big fan of the tone of your question, but I do think it’s a valid question regardless. In response, I’d have to say that I’m feeling pretty good of late, so I don’t think I need a shrink right now. Also, I’m not sure what calling anyone would accomplish, considering I’m unable to speak. Just saying.

Garth writes,

“Are you finding it harder to type? I am amazed that you can type as well as you do with no spelling errors or grammar flubs. Especially considering you can’t even speak. Count your minor blessings, I suppose.”

Garth, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you’re not meaning to come off as snarky. So I’ll take your question at face value: yes, typing has been a bit of an adjustment, but nothing too bad. I’ll say this much, it’s definitely one of the easiest things I’ve had to deal with lately.

Daniel Larusso writes,

“i really want to know what made u turn into whatevz you are, but you sed youd tell us later rite?

but i will have to wate i guess

is there any way you can tel us wut u did in ur life befor u turned all deadish and stuff?

u dont have to if u dont want to

peace out buddy and im liking the blog “

Hi Daniel, thanks for writing. You sound about 13. I noticed your took your handle from The Karate Kid. I hope my blog isn’t giving you bad dreams. Anyway, I’m not sure I ever said I’d disclose what exactly happened to me, but I do plan to provide more details when the time is right. As for what I did in my life before I “turned all deadish and stuff,” I’ve chosen not to reveal that quite yet. I haven’t decided yet if it would be unprofessional of me to do so.

Monoxide writes,

“I meant no offense by what I said but I don’t take it back. I will just attribute your hostility to your frustration with what you have become. Never in a million years could we even begin to understand what you are going through (unless one of us gets turned which very well could happen). We are all just collectively trying to help but the only person that can help you is yourself. We are not in your position so I guess the only question to be asked is…..What is your plan?”

You’re right about my hostility, Monoxide, and I do apologize for my harsh responses in the previous mailbag. With my condition, it’s tough trying to keep my cool sometimes. But I understand that that’s no excuse for me to be rude, so I really am sorry. As to your question, I feel like any plan I have changes daily. I mean, I have some long-term goals, but for now I think I need to just keep a level head and stay put.

whatistechnoagain writes,

“While you’re stuck in your apartment, maybe you can research some remedies online. There’s got to be something out there on the internet, right?”

Hi whatistechnoagain. Thanks for writing. I’m not sure if there’s anything out there on the internet that could ease my condition. I’m going to give that a try and let you know what I find, but I’m keeping my expectations low. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

Josef Kavalier writes,

“What were you listening to?”

Thanks for writing to me, all the way from one of my favorite novels! “Josef,” I was listening to The Grateful Dead’s American Beauty. Great CD. Definitely up there on my top 10.

Slewo Oshana writes,

“Ah crap, sorry to hear that happened to you man. But it doesn’t sound like it’s entirely a bad thing from what her reaction was I think this can only help you out since she doesn’t see a freak she sees a friend in need. You just have to find some way to communicate, figure out how to work it to your advantage okay?”

Slewo, thanks for putting a positive spin on that whole ordeal. I got a bunch of similar questions about this, so I’ll try to answer all of them in this response. Anyway, Slewo, for me, it was an awful, painful situation, but I can see how you might think she saw a “friend in need.” That’s a nice way of putting it. Maybe you’re right, maybe that’s what she was thinking. Unfortunately, I can’t really go out there and ask her, I can’t communicate with her as you put it, because in doing so I’d have to find out if I did really infect her and I just–I can’t face that right now. I want to believe I just overreacted at the time and that I didn’t actually infect her, but the thought of finding out for sure is sort of terrifying. I realize that makes me a coward, and maybe a little bit of an asshole, but at least it’s the truth.

Finally, redhollywood writes,

“what happend with lily?”

Definitely a story for another day. Way too depressing to get into at the moment. Plus, I came off as enough of an asshole in the response above and answering this question in detail will just make me seem that much worse. I don’t think my ego can take that additional hit right this minute. I’m trying to still stay positive.

Day 36.

     I spent a couple hours today drafting emails to Lily. I know what happened between us has nothing to do with my current situation, but it’s my situation that keeps convincing me not to get in touch with her. See, what happened was, once the dust had settled, once the sun had long past set on our relationship, I started planning to get in touch with her. To see if enough time had passed and maybe I could take another shot with her, and maybe get things right this time. The planning never went anywhere, though, because, if I’m honest with myself, I was scared. Of her reaction, of the look on her face when she’d see the email, of her inevitably just rejecting me outright without even reading whatever I’d written. So with this in mind, I let days, weeks, months pass, without doing anything. And now, I’ve been drafting this email, over and over, knowing I can’t bring myself to send it, because of my condition. I just have to get used to the idea that I missed my window of opportunity for getting in touch with her. I have to.
     All told, though, this has been a pretty solid week so far. Regardless of what I said above, I’ve been maintaining a mostly positive outlook, as detailed in my previous post. I’ve even given some thought to returning to work. Granted, I’d have to take clients via email, but I’ve done that before, and while it’s a little harder, it usually works out fine. So that’s something I’m thinking about. I’ll keep you all posted.